Confessions of a Twenty Something : I'm in Therapy.

I was 21 and had just graduated college. I was two months away from marrying my best friend, but I didn't have a job and neither did my then-fiance. And I was completely insecure in the choices I was making. Should we still get married if we have no money? How can I earn money as a writer? Is that even possible? When should I go to grad school? I love my fiance, but am I capable of being a good spouse to him? Am I ready to be an adult?

How do I cope with all of this anxiety?

And I was beginning to notice things about myself. That if I was at my apartment alone without my roommate around, I was doing one of two things: crying uncontrollably, or laying on the couch like an overcooked vegetable watching reality television. My "anger management" techniques, though inherited honestly from my German-American family, were highly ineffective, unhealthy, and were not conducive to being someone's spouse.

I wasn't writing.

I wasn't looking for a better job.

I was letting the negative things in my life strangle the positive things. I had a college degree I'd worked hard for, but I had no job. My confidence in my writing and my professionalism were rock bottom. I had a great relationship with my fiance, but I was terrified that I would ruin it with my obstinacy and insecurity. I had faith in a God that has consistently been faithful to me, but I felt unfaithful to Him by living in fear of the future.

And I knew my friends couldn't fix me. 

So I went to see a therapist I knew. And we began to unravel a few things.

First: are you sure you want to get married? 

The answer was unequivocally and irrevocably YES. Yes, I did want to marry my best friend. Even if we lived with his parents for a few months while we got on our feet, even if it meant that we wouldn't be able to go on a honeymoon or buy better vehicles or go to grad school right away, I knew with every part of me that we would be honoring God and one another if we chose to work through those things together in marriage.

Second: since I'm getting married, what do I need to do to be an emotionally stable spouse? 

All of us were raised with habits, good and bad. And then, at some point, we realize the unhealthy ones are getting in the way of constructing positive ones. We have to deconstruct the unhealthy habits - admit them, analyze that pattern of behavior, let go of it, and then try - painfully at first - to speak, act, reach out, apologize, forgive and encourage in new ways.

Third: how do I learn to cope with my mother's unstable health? 

There are days when I'm overwhelmed. There are days when I feel numb to it. And because I am the oldest child and the only girl from my family of five, I will always feel responsible for the well-being of everyone else. I will, instinctively, suppress my emotions in an effort to accommodate those around me. I will, instinctively, believe that if I just "keep it together" I will find a way to fix the situation. I'm learning to confess my grief, my doubt, my fear. I'm learning to let my faith sustain me. I'm learning to be honest with myself and with others about how I feel in a given moment.

And I had to my ask myself this question:

Is going to therapy a sign that I'm broken, or that I'm healing? 

We reap what we sow. We have to do the hard work of uprooting the negative in order to make room for positive things to grow. There's a lot of sweat and tears and patience and prayer involved. A lot of talking and crying and brutal honesty. To bear the fruit of a healthy life, I had to find the help I needed to unearth a better way of living. I hope each of you find the courage to do the same.

This post was written in conjunction with the blog series Confessions of a Twenty Something, hosted by Ally Spots.


Leigh Kramer said...

I firmly believe therapy was one of the best decisions I ever made when I was in college. It made a world of difference. It takes strength to admit the old way of doing things isn't working anymore and then to ask for help in figuring out a new way of processing life. I'm glad therapy has been helpful to you.

Anonymous said...

it's definately a sign of personal strength...there's no weakness in helping yourself to grow and lead a happy healthy life. Uprooting the negative ugly things and coming to terms with them is exceptionally hard...a strong person does that.
You definately sounded much wiser to life at 21 than I was! And I don't know why you ever questioned yourself as a writer . . . your thoughts and words seem to flow so effortlessly.

Laura Noelle said...

I believe therapy is a sign of healing the brokenness that we all have endured. I too have spent years in therapy trying to deal with the many broken pieces I have found my life to be in. I felt weak when I started, and stronger by the end. Truly the greatness of the journey is in positive changes and little improvements along the way. It's just one of the avenues to get there.

SallyBoyd said...

I've been in therapy for over a year and it is, by far, the best thing I ever did for myself. I recommend it for anyone who needs clarity. I'm learning to move forward and let go of things that are holding me back.

Your writing inspires me. Never question your love of writing. You may think a blog post isn't what you envisioned but it may be just what someone else needed.

Jessica Kathryn Sullivan said...

I agree Bethany. We all need to discuss with someone who is objective, wise, and of Godly character. I have had a couple of such counselors recently in my life, and what a blessing they are. The brutal truth contrary to what the world would have us believe, is that no-one can live this life alone. Life is about helping, encouraging and supporting one another. If we are lost and wandering around, we are not being effective, and all that God knows we can be. Thank you for sharing your heart Bethany!

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