Why does this post not have a title? Because I've chosen the anti-theme.
The theme is : there is no theme.
The theme is : there is no synopsized, clever label for what my life is about right now.
Writers get very fussy when there seems to be no linguistic solution for whatever it is they feel. At least this writer does. Articulation is my life. I'm not the try-this-on-for-size writer that says the same thing fifty different ways of average. No. A clear, concise, carefully-crafted thesis is my policy. On the one hand, I'm proud of it; words are a finicky medium.
The best writing is like oil-painting. I've always found both to be difficult, because at some point you just have to leave the piece alone. An extra stroke or word or phrase will only make it muddy. The image will lose it's vibrancy and it's clarity, it's meaning.
Sometimes writers don't know when they've written something that it makes readers feel like they're running a marathon on a path made of… pudding. Thick, messy, icky-sweet, utterly debilitating. They'll never make it to the finish-line.
On the other hand, the times - like now - when I feel like I can't articulate myself, I become too restless to let the writing process flow easily. I write, erase, rewrite, and slaughter.
Clear and concise thesis? Abandoned.
I'm left with scraps and ramblings. I'm left with a muddy, indistinguishable image of my life, where my thoughts and feelings run together like all the wrong colors from a dirty brush.
And I also find reading others' writing tough to swallow. I'm often envious of the phrase or analogy that they were smart enough to articulate before I could reach it myself.
Yes! That's exactly what I mean/think/feel! Damn. They said it first…
So I am both frustrated with myself and starving for inspiration, for something that doesn't make me feel like this whole writing business is a spectacular myth. My solution-oriented self isn't handling this well, clearly.
Before I get too whiny and cynical about "how hard writing is," let me just say that I haven't given up. I know this is only a funk, a season, a 'tude, a phase. I will exhibit confidence in my writing through action, if not in thought.
I need to put myself out there more. I need to write, write, write, even when other things may feel wrong.
So I will.